Connected
by BrookeJean
Summary: This is a one shot of Kaidan about 2 years after the Normandy is destroyed and there is more to it than that but you'll have to read the story to find out what that is.


**A/N**: I have been working on this for awhile but I am still not happy with the ending, don't think I ever will be. But I figured I better get it up and posted before I give up on it completely. And it's dedicated to the women and few men of the Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society and the Kaidan Alenko Support Threads.

Also, I own nothing, except my oddities.

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As the sun set, it filled the sky with magical oranges, purples, pinks and blues. The sounds of the ocean lapping in the background only lulled them further into a state of contentment. The warm sand beneath them provided the perfect comfort as they lay there staring longingly into each other's eyes. It was as if the universe was created for them, this moment, and the love they shared - no one else existed.

Occasionally, another person would wander by and try to avert their eyes from the couple sitting on the beach; but the two were so wrapped up in the other's body that they failed to notice anything more than the way the others' skin felt, the increased heart beat in their own chest, and the pure elation that comes with simply being alive. Their bodies moved in perfect synchronization. It was as if they had been practicing this dance for all their lives and only now were finally able to perform. It was a perfect melding. It would be impossible to determine exactly where one ended and the other began.

In their moment of pure bliss, the sky overhead suddenly went black. This sudden change was the only thing that could break the spell they were under. Any other person looking skyward would have terror in their eyes, but they were so content, so lost in the moments they had shared, that it was hard to imagine anything that could tear them from their paradise. And, as the world burned up around them, they simply enjoyed their last few moments together, knowing this was the end and there was nothing they could do but make sure they were left with no regrets.

***

In a single fluid action, Kaidan gasped for air, sprang up into a sitting position in his bed and did a full biotic throw on his dresser. His biotic barrier was activated and he was ready to attack again before he was able to calm his nerves enough to realize it was just a dream. "Just a dream", he told himself out loud as he glanced to his side fully expecting to see the women in his dreams lying next to him.

He begged his body to be strong; willed his ever present headache to go back to the far reaches of his brain. Almost two years had passed since the _SSV Normandy_ was destroyed and he still hadn't gone an entire day without a migraine of some degree. He was accustomed to the pain. He felt it was a little reminder that he had lived and she had died. If this was his punishment for letting her die alone in the emptiness of space, he'd bear it with pleasure.

It would have been one thing to lose his Commanding Officer; he would have been devastated. But to lose half of his heart and soul was something, he was learning quickly, you can't come back from. Not entirely.

Unfortunately, his head was not what troubled him the most. He hadn't had that dream in months. He thought he was starting to move on. A groan escaped his lips as he realized just how perfect that dream had been. He could still smell her, could still feel her, he could still taste her lips. He knew it wasn't healthy but he quietly lay back down in bed and urged the moments of pleasure to return. When he closed his eyes all he could conjure up were the images of the dark sky, filled with sentient machines. A growl formed in the depths of his throat as he lashed out with a biotic force so strong it left his room in shambles.

He sat up and dropped his head in his hands, a sign of complete defeat. He would remember this moment later in the day and would be infuriated with himself but for now, he just lost himself in the memories of how things were before his world ended. He longed for the feelings his dream had given him. Longed to look into her eyes and know there were no regrets – that he could die, or more appropriately, live, in peace. Unfortunately, Kaidan Alenko was full of regrets and he wasn't sure he could ever let them go.

Kaidan was just settling in to his self-destructive thoughts when his alarm went off scaring him half to death and forcing him to face the new day. He slowly forced himself to move - one foot in front of the other. His dream had sent his recovering emotions into total relapse and it was as if he'd lost her just hours before. He knew once he was up and moving it would be easier but he dreaded the thought of forgetting her face and didn't know which would be worse, to lose his memories of her or to feel the pain of living without her every moment of every day.

Once Kaidan was in the shower the pain faded, as he knew it would and he was able to focus on the day ahead of him. He had errands to run and things to get done. He had a date with a doctor to get ready for. "I can't believe I let them talk me into that" he mumbled as he soaked himself in the cascading water. He wasn't sure when his friends had become a big enough part of his life to actually talk him into things, but he was grateful for all they'd put up with since meeting him and he owed them a lot more than a night out with some women.

Kaidan still had to laugh at the thought of him having friends. Non-alliance friends, that is. After serving on the _SSV Normandy_ he found it harder to get along with people he was working with. He'd been friends with everyone who had served on the _SSV Normandy_ including Jenkins, Williams, and his Commander. What did that get him? A whole lot of heartache, that's what.

So Kaidan met some guys at a bar a few months ago and they got to chatting. They put up with his depressing, emo attitude long enough to know that he was a good guy underneath and in turn, Kaidan had hung out with them several times since, knowing he wouldn't be losing them to a mission any time soon; although, if Kaidan let himself really think about the situation he knew he didn't really have friends. He knew it was all just a show. He had a pretend world where he pretended to have friends. He put on a fake smile and wore his civvies and acted like a person who had friends would act. Then he would come home to his empty apartment and look at his empty cupboards and his empty walls and know this is right where he belonged. He was empty.

He hoped tonight might change that. He hoped he could let go of his past just long enough to have some fun with this doctor that his buddies spoke so highly of. Maybe they would get along and he'd finally feel something, anything, besides grief and sorrow. And with that small amount of hope, he made his way to his closet to start his day.

***

He had to admit, she was beautiful. She had curves in all the right places and her eyes were an enchanting robin's egg blue. Her blonde hair was longer than he expected. He didn't see many people these days who wore it past their shoulders but hers flowed down to her waist in what can only be described as a waterfall of hair. He had to smile, she was the complete opposite of his type and yet she wasn't hard to look at.

As he approached her he could better see her facial features. Nothing strong and defined but beauty was laced in every curve on her face. Her skin looked so delicate, so soft that he had to stop himself from stroking her cheek. In an effort to distract his hand, he forced it out in an awkward handshake which was met with amusement in the women's eyes.

"I'm Kaidan Alenko. I believe you know my friends here: Kyle, and Devin?"

She ignored his handshake and met him with a kiss on each cheek. Something he had not been expecting, which was quite apparent as his face reddened with color.

She responded with a smile in her voice, "I'm Chloe. And yes. I know your friends. They have been telling me about you and you're superpowers for quite some time. It's good to finally meet you in person."

And with that, Kaidan let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and ordered a round for everyone at the table.

***

Three hours and a bevy of beer mugs later, Kaidan walked Chloe back to her place. He thought she was pretty but he knew he wouldn't be calling her again, at least not to go out as a couple. He was definitely drawn to her but he didn't feel his attraction went much beyond her looks.

She was a doctor and a very good doctor at that. Chloe, however, was not that exciting -she patched up the people with the exciting lives. Of course she had a fun personality, but there was something she was missing.

That's when Kaidan struck the gold mine on what was wrong with Dr. Chloe Buchard. She'd never almost died. Heck, she'd never even broken a bone. He liked adventurous women. He liked women who knew how to hold their own. Who could throw a punch, shoot a gun, and be the hero. He liked women who saved Elysium from Batarians, or women who were the sole survivor of a Thresher Maw attack on Akuze. He liked women who could match his L2 biotic abilities even with a weaker L3 implant. He liked women who could take charge, save the day, and bring down Saren … He liked a woman who no longer existed.

As reality sank in he let out an exasperated sigh that immediately got Chloe's attention. She gave him a look that was hard to read but he guessed it was mostly curiosity to his sudden change in demeanor. As they approached her door Kaidan turned to her to say goodbye and was met with a powerful wave of lust as his lips were attacked with soft warmth and a hint of strawberries. He tried not to remember the last time he kissed someone, tried not to think about how her lips had felt, tasted. He tried to get lost in the moment as they fell through Chloe's front door.

He was drunk; he knew he wasn't thinking clearly. As clothes was torn off in a race to the couch he had a wave of nausea hit him and a migraine attacked, forcing him out of his drunken stupor long enough to realize he was missing most of his clothing.

Chloe was still kissing his neck then her lips moved down to his chest. The warmth of her kisses sent chills all along his torso. If it hadn't been for the pain he was suffering in his head, he was quite certain where they would end up by night's end. He slowly sat up and eased Chloe away from him. She looked at him with expectant eyes. "Not tonight" he said as he found his clothes and began to put them on.

She smiled a mischievous smile that could have worked on him an hour ago with his impaired judgment but his migraine had brought him back to his senses, thankfully. Even if he hadn't been trying to get over his dream and the emotions that came with it, he would never go to bed with someone he'd just met. What was happening to him? He'd lost himself twice in one day - first his biotic outburst and now this. He looked up with defeat written all over his face and simply said, "I'm sorry" as he grabbed his coat from the floor and left.

***

Morning came too soon. Kaidan wasn't ready to face the consequences of yesterday's actions. He wasn't ready to admit he was so far from being healed. In an attempt to stall the inevitable he meandered over to his extranet terminal and was met with an ad that read, "Do you miss your seasons? Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. We've got them all. Since today is the first day of the Autumn season on Earth we are offering a 40% discount on any flights purchased to earth by the end of the day." Kaidan knew he was partially avoiding the issues that surrounded him in his life on the Citadel but he had already decided; he'd be spending the rest of his shore leave on Earth.

_One Month Later_

As Kaidan sat on his parent's back deck he inhaled the smells of the ocean. The cool breeze on his face gave him goosebumps but he relished in this moment and wasn't about to give it up because he was a little cold. A small, nearly undetectable, grin met his lips as he celebrated the 8th day in a row without a migraine. He hoped it was his body's way of telling him he was finally moving on; although, if he was completely honest with himself he felt it was something much bigger - something tied to the world, maybe even the universe around him. He couldn't really credit coming back to earth. He'd been here for three weeks in a state of depression and then one day, he woke up and everything just seemed better. The dark cloud that had followed him for so long had simply left. Normally he would have questioned the reasons but now, he simply wanted to enjoy life – free from sorrow. Free from pain. And while a part of him still blamed himself for her death he couldn't exactly be sad that his daily reminder that she was gone had been missing.

He settled back into his chair and laid his head back, closed his eyes and simply let the world go on around him. He could hear his mother in the kitchen preparing dinner. His dad was banging away at something in the garage. Life was as close to perfect as he could ever imagine without the seat next to him filled with his former Commander, friend, and lover. The grin on his face widened into a small smile and just as he was about to fall asleep his omni-tool beeped letting him know he had a new message. His first thought was to ignore it and let this moment continue for just a bit longer but a nagging curiosity in the back of his mind wouldn't let it go. He grabbed for his device and read the message. His small moment of relief ended as he read the words, "... she's rumored to be alive … We are sending you to horizon to investigate the missing colonies and help build defense towers first thing in the morning …"

There was more to the message but he couldn't remember what it said. His other half was out there. The person who heart made his heart feel full. So many questions unanswered. Had she been alive this whole time? Why now? He knew this message, her being alive, had something to do with his migraines ending. He knew there were reasons, answers - he just didn't know what they were. And he wasn't sure he'd be able to accept them when they came.

As he took in this news, the weight of the world pounding him down, a single tear rolled down his cheek and one word escaped his lips. The most sacred word he knew and the one single word he had avoided – making physical effort to keep from hearing and unable to bring himself to say – for the last two years. It was so quiet, so reverently uttered, as if he was whispering into his lover's ear while in a warm embrace.

"Shepard"

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A/N: If you think I should delete the last paragraph let me know. It was an afterthought but I realized that I had avoided using Shepard's name throughout the whole thing and figured I'd add it in to Kaidan's story but if you think it hinders rather than adds to, you should let me know. Thanks for reading!


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